For those of us of the non-Canadian persuasion and living outside the Kingdom of Canadia, life should maintain a relatively even keel in the upcoming weeks.
Most of us won’t even notice as the first two weeks of what was supposed to be the start of the National Hockey League pass by, but in Canada this could be the start of a slippery slope to despair.
Life in Canada is governed by a deliberate and perfectly delicate ecosystem; it gets cold, it gets really, really f*cking cold, people consume toasty Tim Hortons produce and enjoy the NHL.
Alternatively, they hunt, fish, ski, snowboard, booze, party and visit Australia, but there’s always that comfortable and familiar security blanket of the NHL season rolling along in the background from October to June, holding everything together as a kind of cultural glue.
There’s a possibility there will be no glue this year, and with no glue the social fabric could easily unravel.
This week, season opening games such as Vancouver at Calgary and Ottawa at Montreal have been scraped, these are more than just games, more like tribal ceremonies to help usher in new prosperity.
The season openers in Philadelphia and Colorado can easily be compensated by the presence of the NFL and NBA preseason.
Saturday night is not simply just Saturday night in the Great White North, it’s Hockey Night in Canada, presented with a weekly message from the nation’s godfather, Don Cherry.
It’s no accident that the first Saturday of the new season had home openers scheduled for Winnipeg, Toronto, Ottawa and Vancouver.
That’s a lot of Tim Hortons with no Hockey to accompany it and thus the nation’s harmony is slowly compromised.
The following Saturday was supposed to feature Ottawa at Toronto, Washington at Montreal, Calgary at Colorado and Winnipeg at Philadelphia.
The final day of cancelled games boasted the battle of Alberta, Calgary at Edmonton.
With a such a cultural void created by the loss of just the opening two weeks of the season, it’s no wonder that an axe throwing league is gaining steam in Toronto.
If society completely unravels due to the hockey lockout, axe throwing could become an integral skill for survival.
Luckily for Canada, their messiah is returning to help provide a temporary replacement for the glue.
In their time of need, he fortuitously scheduled a return tour the same week the NHL was to begin.
Perhaps it’s a coincidence or part of a sinister conspiracy, regardless, Justin Beiber is set to rock away the woes for his fellow countrypeople starting with a Vancouver show on October 10.
Biebs will then hit Calgary, Edmonton, Saskatoon and Winnipeg through to October 18, with none other than Canada’s own Carly Rae Jepsen opening up proceedings.
If this is part of a conspiracy, then It seems the lockout will last until early December as he’s returning in late November for shows in Ottawa, Montreal and Toronto.
Who are we kidding, Canada is in serious trouble.
Then again it could be worse, even though the rival KHL season in Russia has already started, Nickleback will be touring there later this month.
10 Octubre 2012