They just finished playing multiple versions of football Down Under, and now those crazy Aussie’s are about to embark on their summer sports season. When you think about summer in Australia, you instantly think indoor basketball right? The United States has a professional indoor basketball competition that runs during the Australian summer, we call it the D-League and Down Under they have a less professional league called the NBL.
The NBL is now available for live streaming around the globe, so if you’re hanging around an airport in North America between 2am-5am on a Thursday, Friday or Saturday with nothing better to do, why not check out a game?
8 teams, 24 rounds, 224 games, 896 quarters, 537,600 seconds, that’s a lot of time you could spend on something more constructive. Anyway, we’ve got no idea who’s going to win this thing, but we know how to do a preview and we’ve enlisted the help of some Australasian correspondents. If anything, this acts as a helpful geography lesson on how to survive the Antipodes, so enjoy.
The format is simple; stinky teams at the bottom and the less stinky teams at the top. Be grateful NBL TV isn’t in Smell-O-Vision yet, yeah we’re looking at you Bradley Robins, you look like you would smell.
New Zealand Breakers
First we let them play in the comp, then we let them win the comp. And then we let them win it again! That’s one of the lowest points in the history of Australian sports. How about we make sure that doesn’t happen again. Here’s how we do it; we contribute some of our taxpayer dollars to luring back a chunk of the Boomers squad playing overseas and add a sprinkling of ring-ins to play for a new franchise in Canberra. The national team essentially gets an extended training camp period, the national capital gets its basketball team back and the entire nation regains its basketball respectability. The perfect scenario where everybody wins, except for the Kiwis.
Thankfully the Wildcats were humbled in the Grand Final Series last season, but unfortunately feral animals with massive chips on their shoulders are not simply humbled. They are just further aggravated and incensed. The rest of the League now has to deal with an angry Wildcats team and even more pissed off and enraged Jungle. Thanks a lot Breakers, that’s why you’re a bunch of jerks! Speaking of jerks, you know that idiot fan that stands court side and barks at the opposing players at the Jungle, yeah he’s still an idiot, just wanted to mention that.
In 2001 the Wollongong Hawks miraculously wrestled a Grand Final Series victory from the jaws of the Townsville Crocodiles. Since then, the Crocs have maintained a raging hard-on to exact revenge on the Hawks. After further playoff losses to Wollongong in 2003, 2005 and 2010, that moment of retribution may have finally arrived for Townsville as they pulled off a late scramble to secure the services of former-Hawk and League MVP Gary Ervin just a week prior to the season opener. The Crocs probably won’t have a chance to knock the Hawks out of the playoffs, but the sight of Ervin in green is enough to turn the stomach’s of the Wollongong faithful. Whack away Townsville, whack away.
Apparently the ground-bound Hawks only recorded approximately five dunks all of last season depending on who you ask. We have it on good authority from the Hawks General Manager that dunks will be up at least 60% this season. The reason being the addition of high-flying D-Leaguer Lance Hurdle, he’s good for at least three dunks this year. The Hawks also showed some smarts by adding a player that is almost undefendable, Adris Deleon, who is figuratively and literally too hard too guard.
Cairns is really nice. The Taipans are not so nice. Did you know that the Cairns region is home to a flightless bird that is the most dangerous bird in the world? Did you also know that Cairns is now home to a slightly less dangerous flightless bird, Cameron Tragardh? Did you know the previous two teams that acquired Tragardh went a combined 19-39 in his first season with a new team.
I went to Adelaide once. Once. The 36ers are fortunate enough to escape “Rad-Town” for 14 road games, mind you, four of those games are in Perth and Auckland, so they’ll only play ten games in Eastern Australia and If you don’t know, Eastern Australia is f*cking awesome. The thing is, every other team only has two games in Adelaide, so they’re cheering, except for the punish of having to visit Adelaide twice. Is it worth considering a forfeit to avoid the hassle of it all?
Now down to the important nitty gritty, apart from salvaging the remnants of the Gold Coast’s fire sale, Radelaide can boast the return of the prodigal beanpole, Luke Schnitzel. Here’s the thing about the Schnitzel, he’s the fourth-greatest Australian Chicago Bull of all-time after Longley, Anstey and Bogans. Yeah I made a Keith Bogans joke, what the f*ck are you gonna do about it c*nt?
Here’s the other thing about the Schnitzel, he’s a massive South Australian, like literally the biggest South Australian ever. You can have him, he belongs there.
The Sydney Kings are headed by a guy that once fearlessly shoved and shouted at Charles Barkley during an Olympic warm-up game. He also led a mutiny against Mark Price that cost the former NBA All-Star his brief coaching job in Australia. Sydney’s fiery leader is a tough unrelenting little bugger, but unfortunately for the Kings he’s confined to the sideline allocation of the coach’s box during games. As much as the Kings coach can infuse his team with his tenacious, never-say-die attitude and confidence, he can’t pass onto them his innate ability to come up with game-breaking plays.
Also, incoming big man Ian Crosswhite looks like an overgrown accountant with a gangster tattoo of his last name across his shoulders, which could be an upgrade from the giant Persian night club owner they had last year masquerading as an NBA prospect.
Yeah, not entirely sure who’s on the Tigers roster, since there’s no player list on their webpage (at the time of writing this). I could easily skim further through the interwebs to find out, but honestly I’ve got better things to do on here. From what I understand the club imploded during last season and it would seem the players in Melbourne aren’t even fully convinced themselves about being with the club this year. I wonder what kind of wunderbar PR spin they’ve been putting on the upcoming season and player acquisitions. If you happen to see half an ass walking around the streets of Melbourne, please return it to the Tigers; they could use a hand and the other half of their ass to help in all aspects of daily basketball operations.
4 Octubre 2012